This issue of vulnerability is an important one, especially to parents who want to protect their children from harm. Every expert I have interviewed about the abuse of children has said the same thing: the molester looks for kids who will be easily overpowered.

I once received a call from a man who had previously been involved in child pornography. He said he could walk onto any playground or into any video arcade and within a short time would be able to pick out the young people whom he could entice and ultimately trap. He said most of them were children, especially girls, who felt some kind of alienation (neglect or not being listened to and understood) from their parents and who responded to the special attention he offered them. If your children's basic needs for love and approval are not met in the home, they will be more vulnerable to someone outside your home. The intensity of that hunger could be more powerful than their desire to live according to your standards.

A lot of people are surprised, for example, when a good Christian teenager "gets into trouble" with drugs, sex, suicide or other unacceptable behavior. "They should know better", we say. The fact is, however, that most teenagers who get into trouble do know better. They know the difference between right and wrong. They know their conduct is inconsistent with their own values and the values of their parents and their God. They do it anyway. Why? Many times it is because of their hunger for love and approval.

A recent study revealed that the influence of the peers of midwestern teenagers was five times stronger than the influence of their parents. If our children don't get love and approval from us, they'll find them from someone else, and for some teenagers, they will get what they need at almost any cost.

Vulnerability leads to risk-taking. Everyone takes risks in an attempt to meet one's own emotional needs. When their vulnerability is taken advantage of by those they have wanted so desperately to trust; parents, relatives, pastor, teacher, doctors, friends, they are ushered into the next stage: the discovery stage, one of trying to figure out what is going on.

THE DISCOVERY STAGE - What Is Happening To Me?

The beginning of a season of destruction in a person's life is very similar. A child who has been happily and innocently skipping through the vulnerability stage is suddenly faced with something startling and different. The child instinctively asks himself, What is going on? What is happening to me? and struggles to decide what he should do in response. Since many victims have been overpowered by an adult, (or spouse) and frequently a trusted adult, the child is faced with particular confusion. Until now, adults have been people to whom you go when you're threatened or hurt. Mom and Dad have been freely available to cleanse wounds or to protect from bullies. Now, however, there seems to be nowhere to go, no safe place of refuge. The child is caught in confusion. "Should I scream for help? Should I go along with what is being asked of me or required of me? Is this okay? Are there other people who go through this? Is this another of those new experiences of life that is uncomfortable and, perhaps, painful but permissible? Is this wrong?"

For some victims, there is clear evidence from the very beginning that something is wrong. For others, especially if the abuse is subtle, it may not be as clear. For those to whom the abuse is not so clear, or if the abuse is subtle, the stage of discovery may be prolonged, because it is not clear what is happening or what should be done about it. The closer a person or victim comes to feeling "uncomfortable" or that "something is wrong", the closer they come to answering the question, "what is happening to me?"

The young wife who always had her requests discounted and neglected by her husband for ten years finally came to this realization when she discovered one day that she could not even pick up the phone to call a baby-sitter. That was when she entered into "The Discovery Stage" of abuse.

The effects of the discovery stage vary from person to person and from experience to experience. They can range from mild discomfort and confusion to terror and immediate pain and devastation.

The discovery stage of a season of destruction is characterized by a quest for facts, a straightforward hunger for an explanation about what is happening. Once that has begun to occur, an even deeper need grows in the heart of the victim: to know the meaning of what is happening. This need drives the victim into the next stage of destruction - the eligibility stage.
THE ELIGIBILITY STAGE - Why Is This Happening To Me?

After being vulnerable and having that vulnerability taken advantage of by a trusted person, after discovering that something very bad is happening, the victim enters into one of the more important stages of a season of destruction. In the midst of the awkwardness and the pain and the aloneness of whatever is happening, another question comes from deep within. "Why is this happening to me?" It is a demand directed toward the sky, toward all people on earth, toward God Himself. It is a request for a computerlike evaluation of all human knowledge, a plea for somebody to sit down with the victim and be able to adequately answer the question, why me?"

This is the eligibility stage of destruction. The discovery stage was one of looking for facts. The eligibility stage is a search for meaning. This stage is especially important when we consider that most victims are people who have been abused during early childhood. That preschooler or early grade schooler who is being hurt spends almost every waking minute struggling with the question, "what does this mean about me?" It becomes a preoccupation and is one of the reasons why some victims are hopelessly wrapped up in themselves.

For most victims, however, what happened to them occurred in secret or within the confidential boundaries of a family that does not allow pain to be revealed. In many cases victims have actually been threatened about what will happen if they tell. For them it is a private torment, a wrestling match with one of the most important questions of life but without any guidance as to the answer.

One of the fascinating truths that has come from studying victims who have experienced destruction is that they almost always end up feeling personally responsible for whatever happened to them. They feel as though they caused it. They carry personal guilt for it. In some cases the victim has been blamed by the abuser. Most often they believe the unspoken or relational message that "You are stupid and can't do anything. You deserve to be treated this way because something is wrong with you. If you were a better person, I wouldn't have to treat you this way." Many times the abuser blames them out loud with "If you wouldn't be so hard to get along with, I wouldn't beat you." Or, It's your own fault, you know. If you hadn't been so sexy and seductive, I wouldn't have touched you." Even in cases where those kinds of statements have not been made, however, most victims come away from the destruction feeling responsible for it. Thus they enter into the "shame state".

Why do victims blame themselves? I believe it is because of what I call "the doctrine of eligibility", which exists in a fascinating way in the heart of even the youngest child. We carry this doctrine with us into adulthood, and it affects many of us in ways we may not fully realize. This doctrine prompts a child to conclude, "I'm the reason for the pain."

What is the doctrine of eligibility? Quite simply, it is the belief that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. As we grow and develop, we learn there are "good" people and "bad" people in the world. We conclude that good people are associated with success and victory and bad people are associated with failure and defeat. In simple ways, we learn that to have something good happen in our lives, we have to be good to be eligible for it. We also learn that if we are bad, then bad things might happen to us.

This is where we get the "blame the victim" attitude and this is why we enter into performance or works" oriented thinking or behavior. We are trying to make ourselves eligible for something good to happen to us or we are trying to deserve the good we get. We behave in ways to make people like us, even if it is phoney behavior and we tell people what they want to hear and become something that we are not so we can be accepted. Thus we become chameleons. We become "good" in order to earn good or have good things happen to us, thus we become self righteous. If bad or unfortunate things happen to us we conclude that we must have deserved it.

It is important to remember that children are the center of their own world. They don't see themselves as part of their parent's world. Rather, they see their parents as part of their world. Anything that happens in the child's world seems to be telling the child something important about himself or herself. When destruction or abuse takes place, the child asks, "What does this mean about me?" Many times the answer is, "Something bad, dirty, and sinful has happened to me, and that can only mean I am a bad person, the kind of person to whom those things happen. Otherwise, it wouldn't have happened." The child's view of himself or herself is forever changed. Now that child is the kind of person to whom bad things happen, and that means the child is bad.

The doctrine of eligibility carries into adulthood as well, and we consult it more often than we realize. Can you recall, for example, your reaction when hearing that a friend of yours, perhaps a young father and businessman, was killed in an auto accident or died of cancer? Weren't you tempted to ask yourself, "Why?" Or, what did he do to be eligible for such an untimely death?" If you arrived home to discover that your house had completely burned to the ground, would you not be haunted by the question, why did this happen to me?" Would you not sit and ponder your eligibility?

We often react the same way when good things happen. If I handed you an authentic check for a million dollars, you would be overwhelmed with the question, "why me?" After confirming that the check was real and was, indeed, for you, you might look up into the sky and ponder your eligibility. You might eventually come to the conclusion that no matter what the explanation is, this surely means something good about you.

The eligibility stage of abuse, then, is the period when victims come to some important conclusions about themselves and why their victimization occurred. They are tempted to conclude that, since good things seem to happen to good people and bad things seem to happen to bad people, they are bad. That sometimes becomes an inescapable conclusion about themselves. The effects of the eligibility stage are among the most important to understand, and we will deal with them as follows:

The eligibility stage produces lasting consequences in the life of a victim. The most important effects are: fear, guilt and anger.

Fear

One of the most common results of abuse or neglect for the victim is a lifetime of fear. Sometimes the fear is specific, such as a fear of men, a fear of public restrooms, or a fear of flying. Other times the fear is not attached to anything in particular. These victims live under an umbrella of dread or fear. It is as though they are carrying a ticket to disaster in their pockets. They are candidates for anything bad that can happen to a person. This is the result of the feeling of eligibility.

Once again, it is important to point out that not all fear is bad and not all fear is the result of victimization. If you are in a genuinely fearful circumstance, you will naturally be afraid. For many victims, however, it is difficult to think of themselves in terms of normal risks. It is difficult for them to say, "Yes, there is a risk to driving on the freeway or having a baby." That's okay, though, because I have about the same chances of getting into trouble as anyone else."

The point is, we don't generally fear that for which we do not feel eligible. Fear is rooted in eligibility. If you ran up to me, for example, and yelled, Rich, the FBI just came through the front door," I wouldn't panic because I haven't committed a federal crime. I don't feel eligible for arrest by the FBI. If I had committed a federal crime, however, I would have a sense of dread, knowing I am eligible for arrest.

Guilt

Another product of the eligibility stage is a seemingly ever-present sense of guilt, which is the result of feeling personally responsible for what happened. In the case of emotional abuse, the abuser frequently uses guilt as the weapon of destruction, telling the child in constant and graphic ways, "You are nothing." The abuser makes it clear that if the child would behave a certain way, the abuser wouldn't be so angry. This is often communicated in the unspoken message as well. "If you would just think, feel or be the way I want you to think, feel or be, then I wouldn't treat you this way."

Anger

A common result of a season of destruction is a volcanic like flow of anger. Actually, the feeling is probably better described as rage because of its intensity. Sometimes the anger is obvious, because this person "blows up" or actually hurts others physically. Sometimes the anger is hidden, but the rage has a profound impact on the life of the person who is experiencing it.

Anger can occur during any of the stages of a season of destruction, but I introduce anger here because it almost always originates during the eligibility stage. The anger goes in one, or all, of three directions. Anger is directed toward the person who hurt me, toward myself, and toward various other people in my life.
THE ABANDONMENT STAGE - Who Will Help Me?

A victim, overpowered by someone bigger and stronger either physically or emotionally, hurts. From the midst of that pain, the victim lets out an anguished cry, which says, help, please, somebody help me. " Mommy, Daddy, teacher, uncle, brother, pastor, anybody. I don't want this to happen anymore. Please help me. Much of the time this cry for help has never been uttered out loud, but the screaming inside the victim's head is deafening. When help doesn't come, an overwhelming feeling of aloneness, powerlessness and hopelessness results.

During the abandonment stage, the victim comes to the frightening realization that nobody will come to the rescue. Until that point, help has always been just around the corner. You could rely on adults, especially mommy or daddy, teacher, police officer, minister, relative, spouse or friends. Now all that has changed. The world isn't safe anymore. This is especially true when the victimization takes place at the hands of the people the victims should have been able to trust. If one of those people is the person hurting you, the effect is devastating. The abandonment stage produces many results, but four of them are paramount: destruction of trust, anger toward others, a feeling of powerlessness, and the need to make a vow of silence, revenge, perfection, or control.

Destruction of Trust - The ability to trust others is delicate and takes time to develop. Children learn whom they can and cannot trust. Even though unexpected and threatening events may happen from time to time, there should always be somebody to trust, a home to which I can run, somebody in my life who cares for me and who will defend me. When, through abuse or neglect, that trust is violated, I come to the conclusion that I cannot and will not trust anyone ever again. If the victim does go to someone for help and they are not believed or they are not defended or they are shamed for noticing the offense or "breaking the silence", then they never trust again.

There is nothing more hurtful or harmful then to go to someone and tell them about abuse going on in your life, only to be ignored because the person you have confided in doesn't know what to do or say, so they pretend they never heard it or they give trite responses about praying for you and then they avoid you like the plague. Lord have mercy, if you don't know what to do or say, then tell the person that and ask them what they can do. Find out about abuse. Make some phone calls to agencies to get information, but for God's sake, don't ignore the person's confession about abuse and control going on in their lives. It was extremely hard for them to even bring themselves to tell you because they feel so much shame. To ignore them, side with the abuser/controller, show kindness to the abuser/controller while not acknowledging the needs and wounds of the victim, is to cut them off from God and anybody else. It has eternal effects. I have gone to people about abuse I have suffered and I would almost rather be abused than be ignored when going to someone for help. Talk about giving up on God and causing you to feel trapped in your situation. This will do it. This is where depression and suicide come from folks. If that person is a family member or pastor, the effects are even worse. This carries over to God. They find it hard to believe the bible and God and trust or have faith in God. It is essential that a victim is believed. It is during the abandonment stage that they usually come forward because they have a driving need to "tell" someone. The abandonment stage is "who will help me?" When someone comes to you and expresses victimization, believe them, help them and defend them.

Anger Toward Others - If anger toward others has not occurred during the eligibility stage, a lot of anger develops toward other people during the abandonment stage, especially against those who were in a position to help, but didn't or wouldn't. Sometimes the victim is unaware of this anger.

The Feeling Of Being Overwhelmed - One of the keys to identifying and understanding a victim is realizing that a victim is overwhelmed by things that are not necessarily overwhelming to nonvictims. A victim feels powerless when a nonvictim does not. What is the difference between a normal person and a victim? A normal child has experienced discipline, but the victim has been beaten and humiliated, often for things that are not even the victim's fault. The normal child has experienced discomfort with people he does not like. The victim has been tracked down, pinned down, imprisoned, hurt and unable to get away from someone bigger and more powerful. The normal child experiments with forbidden things. The victim has been baptized in evil. The normal child knows fear. The victim knows terror.

The result is that the victim often responds to circumstances differently from those around him. He lives with the memory or constant fear of having been overwhelmed and the fear of its happening again. He lives in a world where certain situations trigger feelings of being overwhelmed. The victim's seeming overreaction to those situations is sometimes perplexing and frustrating to those who are trying to have a relationship with him.

Vow Making - An unusual fact about victims is their tendency to make promises as a result of their victimization. This can occur during any of the stages of abuse, but it occurs most frequently during the abandonment stage, when the victim, in pain and aloneness, decides to take responsibility for protecting himself.

Vows of Silence: "I will never speak of this again. That did not happen and I will never say that it did." Vows of silence are sometimes the extension of the rules of the family. In many homes there is an understood agreement among family members that negative subjects are never to be discussed and serious problems are to be ignored.

Vows of Revenge: "Someday I will kill him. Someday I will rise up and get justice, even if I have to do it myself." Look at the number of court cases where the abuser has been murdered by the person or persons he was abusing. Quite frankly, with the unfair court system and with society oppressing women and not acknowledging abuse and the various types of abuse, I am astounded that it does not happen more. Many suicides come as a result of trying to escape abusive relationships when every other avenue has been exhausted. The victim has gone to pastors, family members or neighbors about the abuse, only to be ignored. They have tried the court system, only to find that it doesn't work and they are victimized even more by the system and the controlling charismatic men they are married to. Restraining orders are of no avail. Divorce means more abuse and pain because abusers get worse when you try to get away from them. If you want to see how ugly they can be, leave them. The worst comes out, but they will justify it. More murders are committed by abusers when their victims try to leave, so remember that the next time you judge a woman and ask why she stays with the guy while you have ignored her pleas for help.

Vows of Perfection: "I will be perfect for the rest of my life." Since the victim blames himself for what has happened, it is easy for him to feel that he needs to be "good" or "perfect" either to prevent future pain or to cleanse himself from the debris of the past.

Vows Of Safety And the Need To Control: The key word for the victim is safety. One of the most powerful vows of the abandonment stage is, "I'm not going to hurt like this ever again." And from that point on, the victim directs every ounce of energy, skill, and intelligence to remain safe. This, in turn, produces a need for the victim to be in control of the people and circumstances in his life, because if they are potentially out of control, he or she feels the threat of more pain.

This concludes the effects or stages that abuse takes. This abuse can be the most subtle of abuses or neglect in any of the basic human need areas or it can be the most violent or blatant of abuse in any of the basic human need areas. It all leaves the same effects upon the person whether it is a child or an adult. A person can grow up in a healthy, happy home and marry someone who is abusive. They will go through all of the abuse stages as an adult in their abusive relationship. In our society today, children who have lost their fathers to death or divorce, also go through the abandonment stage with all its feelings. I recently ministered to a woman who was in a marriage with an alcoholic. This woman was a Christian and her husband was supposedly a Christian. The Lord showed me that there was something in the husband's life that caused him not to be able to believe God's word. He felt that God didn't do anything for him and God wouldn't. The promises of the

bible were for others, not him. This comes from the eligibility stage. I asked the young woman about her husband's past. In order to minister life to the cause behind the sin so that the sin will go away, you have to find out what the root is. The woman told me that she didn't know much about her husband's childhood because he wouldn't talk about it. The only thing she knew was that his father died when he was eight. That was it! The boy felt abandoned at age eight. Abandoned by his father and God. How many other kids in our society have been abandoned by their fathers through divorce, neglect or some other thing? Why do you think satan is so big on breaking up the home? Why do you think God is so big on TURNING THE HEARTS OF THE FATHERS TOWARD THEIR CHILDREN AND WIVES. Most people, even those in the church, cannot believe in their hearts the word of God. Some believe it in their heads because they were taught that in church and they give mental assent to it, but it is not real in their hearts. If we want to minister to people today in our churches, we need to address the issue of abandonment. Fear comes from believing God has abandoned you. When Jesus addresses fear in the bible or ministers to his disciples after His death and resurrection when they were afraid, He addresses the issue of abandonment by telling them that He is with them. God keeps doing this to me in my life.

One Memorial Day weekend we were driving to Des Moines, Iowa and on to Omaha, NE. It has been raining for over a week and as we drove down, I would look up at the dark, heavy, thick, low clouds and I would think to myself, "My life is like these dark, thick, heavy clouds." I was in such a state of depression and I was feeling like things would never change in my life. I had such a hopelessness and despair. I never told anyone how I was feeling or what I was thinking. We returned from our trip and soon after our return I went to a prayer service. A lady went over to the piano and started to play some music. She started to weep and she stated that there was someone here who was hurting and Jesus was hurting too (validating the feeling). She stated that Jesus was weeping and weeping because this person was hurting and He felt her pain. The associate minister came up and sat beside the woman playing the piano. This man also came under that anointing and started to weep. He said that there was someone here who felt like their life was like dark rain clouds and that things would never get any better. He said that the Lord had a message for that person. The message was, "The Sun is still above the clouds!" I, of course, lost it. I cried and cried and cried. Jesus doesn't negate your feelings. He validates them, even if you are believing something that is not true. Jesus was addressing abandonment here. He was delivering a message of hope to the hopeless. Even though I couldn't see it, it was still there.

Now we will move on to the basic human need in regards to spirituality.

Spiritual

There is a new term in the religious community regarding abuse. This term I am referring to is "Spiritual Abuse". While I do believe in spiritual abuse and will admit that I myself have been spiritually abused, I also believe that many definitions of spiritual abuse are wrong and it is often misunderstood. I have been in the churches that taught on spiritual abuse and much of what they had to say was correct. Much of what they had to say was also incorrect. According to some of their definitions of spiritual abuse, all the prophets, including Jesus, Himself, would have been spiritual abusers. This particular church didn't believe in accountability and if you corrected someone in sin with the word of God, this was considered manipulation of that sinner in order to get him to perform the way you wanted because you had your own agenda. Grace was license to sin. They believed and lived in such a way that everyone was forgiven and you would change as the Holy Spirit changed you and no one was to hold you accountable or instruct you regarding God's word because that was God's job and for a person to do this would be considered "spiritual abuse". They winked at sin and looked the other way and were quite carnal. Like the Corinthians, they felt puffed up when they had "bad sinners" in their midst because it made them feel more spiritual. They didn't preach on repentance. They presumed to have grace when they did not meet the requirements for it. They lived however they wanted to live and thought they were okay in God's eyes. Anything convicting was considered spiritually abusive. This is false spiritual abuse. Jesus did send the Holy Spirit to rebuke, reprove, reproach and convict of sin. God does chasten His people with His word. The word "chasten" means to instruct. This church believed that God caused bad things to happen to you to teach you a lesson. These people didn't believe that God would use people whom He inhabited to instruct them or hold them accountable. They didn't believe that the Holy Spirit would speak through someone to rebuke or reprove, even though He dwelt in His people and God spoke through a donkey. They thought that just because some people said "Thus saith the Lord" and were spiritual abusers, that all who said, "Thus saith the Lord" were spiritual abusers. Satan's approach has always been to counterfeit the real. That doesn't mean that you throw the real out. It means that you must discern.

There is a real form of spiritual abuse though. I would classify real spiritual abuse as those who fleece the flock. These people would be wolves in sheep's clothing convincing the people that it's Jesus' blood plus their money which buys their blessing and salvation. The people pay through the nose to obtain favor in God's eyes. Spiritual abusers also have the people go back into "works" to obtain God's favor and blessing. They stress keeping the rules or law and they neglect meeting the needs of the people. People are shamed and disciplined for not keeping the "scriptural rule" and nobody is allowed to question or leave the church for fear of leaving "the one true church and going back into the world" thus losing your salvation. It is very cult like and against scripture because Jesus said to take heed that you be not deceived. It is okay to question and try the spirits and their fruit. Spiritual abuse leaves the same scars as any other abuse and the people go through the same stages of abuse. Shame is the name of the game and acceptance is gained through performance.
John 1:4 says: In Him was life, and THE LIFE was THE LIGHT of men. The church has been getting its life, value, worth and acceptance through other sources than Jesus. When we get our life, value, worth and acceptance from Jesus, then we will be a light. Jesus told me "Behind every sin is a cause. Sin is just a symptom of something else. If you don't deal with the root cause of the sin and only do away with the symptom, it does no good. Man is made in such a way that he needs to get a sense of worth and value from something. The "accuser of the brethren" (false accuser) has caused man to get his sense of value and worth from his religious activities within the church. Others get their sense of worth from possessions, titles, status, position, degrees, worldly things and acceptance from others. There are many sources from which man gets his value and worth. Whatever gives man his sense of value and worth becomes an idol and he will not be able to give it up. Man will worship that which gives him value and worth. That is what I provided for mankind on the cross. The church is not getting its sense of value and worth from me. If they were, I would be whom they would worship and they would not be able to leave me for the things of the world. Worldly things would have no power over them. They would be able to endure until the end." When we get our life, worth and acceptance from Jesus, we will be loving and accepting of others. We will freely give what we have freely received. If we get our life, value and acceptance from our religious works, we will not be loving or accepting of others unless they perform as well. We have communicated to the church that the rules are more important than the needs of the people, just as the Pharisees did in Jesus' day. The church is Laodecian because we point to the sin and we don't minister life to the cause behind the sin. The word Laodecia means "the pointing of the finger". If we just point to the sin, people change their behavior in order to be accepted and they get their value from others, not Jesus. Their heart never changes and they do not experience Jesus as their LIFE.

As I stated, sin is just a symptom of something else. Many times a sinful behavior is a result of a deep hurt or wound, or possible rejection. If we bind up the wound or minister to the need, the sin will go away. That is how Jesus operated in His ministry and that is how He still ministers to us today if we aren't in "denial" about our wounds, hurts or needs. The church has been taught to "deny" that we are hurt or that we have needs because it isn't mature or spiritual to notice the offense or to admit that we have needs. Thus we "pretend" we don't feel the wound and we don't have needs. We are a pridefully deceived people who believe that we are mature and spiritual and have need of nothing. All the while, our needs and wounds are there as evidenced by the rampant sin and lukewarmness, but we just can't see them or admit to them. Thus, like the Laodecians, we think we have need of nothing and our wounds never get ministered to and our needs are never met by the Lord who died and shed His blood to do that very thing. Thus we never experience or come to know the God of the word. We only know the word of God and we blindly think they are one in the same. There is a difference between knowing the word of God and knowing or experiencing the God of the word. To experience or know the God of the word requires being honest with and about ourselves, our needs, our wounds and our sin and not being in a phoney state of "denial" over them in order to be accepted by those who point the finger. The cause behind the sinful behavior never gets acknowledged or ministered to and the sin never goes away. One reason Jesus bore our sorrows and griefs is because so much of our sinful behavior is born out of our hurts and sorrows. We will never experience His righteousness if we continue in a deceived state of denial in order to appear spiritual or mature as Christians. We will continue to try to keep the "rule" in our abilities and as a result establish our own righteousness with no heart change and we never experience Jesus. We must not heal the wounds of the people slightly. In doing so, sin runs rampant. We must not say, "peace, peace" when there is no peace to the tortured or hurting in our midst. We must not ignore the hurting or unlovely in our midst. To do so is deception and not acknowledging the pain people are in. To you who know to do good and you do it not, it is sin. Oh how Jesus weeps when He is not able to do what He died to do.

A dependent/codependent looks like a true, good Christian on the surface. They even believe themselves to be acting as a good Christian. The difference is that a dependent/codependent is motivated out of their shame and unacceptance. They do things to be loved and accepted. They don't do things from a place of already being loved and accepted. They are not freely giving what they have freely received. They have not freely received at all but instead they are trying to earn their love and acceptance. They are works oriented and motivated, not love oriented and motivated. Their focus is on themselves, not others. They do things to try to remove their guilt and shame instead of believing that it has already been removed by the blood of the Lamb. They have not truly believed in their heart what was done at the cross. It is head knowledge. They have not experienced the God of the word. A dependent/codependent looks on the surface like they are ones who truly deny themselves to help or serve others. They are servaholics and workaholics and they do not love themselves. They gain their love and acceptance and worth through their work and service or care taking. Yet they do not love, accept and take care of themselves. They do everything from a position of wanting to please or be needed, so they control and tell you what you want to hear and they will be what you want them to be so that they feel loved and accepted. They lose their own identity and needs in the process and they bury their own feelings. In the end, it is not they you are accepting, but what they have presented to you or made you believe they are. It is the image they protect based on what they think you want. Codependent are good salesmen. They can sell ice to an Eskimos. They are phoney and they don't even know it. They have pretended and lied so much in their lives that they have even started to believe the lies. Again, you cannot tell them from a true Christian because on the surface, they look good. It isn't until you find out what motivates them and how they make other people feel, especially when you don't take their advice or let them help you, that you can identify a codependent and help them.

A dependent/codependent relies on their own abilities and strengths, not on God. They are dependent on their surroundings and people in their lives to be just the way they need them in order for them to have peace, joy, love, self-control, etc. They don't get these from within by the working of the Spirit of God within them. They get these from without and they have to have everything "just so" for them to be happy and worry free. They don't see their behavior as sinful and they don't see that trusting in themselves and relying in their abilities is wrong. They don't seek God's will or wisdom because they know how things should be and how to get them that way. They do things to meet their own needs, not that of others. Then they will deceive themselves and others into believing that they are doing things for the love or benefit of others.

Let's explore what Jesus did on the cross and let's explore how He meets our spiritual needs. We need to really get a heart reality of what is ours spiritually.

First, let me state that there is something that is required in order for us to receive God's grace, mercy and forgiveness. What is required is repentance. John the Baptist was sent before Jesus to prepare the people for anything Jesus would offer them. John called the people to repentance. Jesus started His ministry where John left off. Jesus started His ministry calling for repentance also. The word repentance means to see and acknowledge your sinful state and to change your mind about your state and turn the other way. You must acknowledge your sins and sinfulness and desire to turn toward God and please Him. John said to bring forth fruit met for repentance. In other words, don't just say you have repented, do it. Show me something that says that you acknowledge your sinfulness and that you have turned away from it. A dependent/codependent cannot do this when they are in denial and they defend, justify, minimize, blame lay, boomerang, rationalize and debate their behavior in order to prove themselves okay. They miss this first requirement to God's grace, mercy and forgiveness. Through their denial and defending of their behavior they are saying, "There is nothing wrong with what I did." Or, "I didn't do anything." When God confronts them on a sinful area in their lives and they do this, they do not receive the grace, mercy and forgiveness. They shouldn't presume to have something they do not. Jesus is the TRUTH and the TRUTH will expose our sin and deception because He desires to forgive and sanctify us. When a person has a repentful heart and they mourn over their sin and they are poor in spirit, they receive God's grace and forgiveness and mercy. They desire to please God and they recognize that they cannot because of their sinful state. You cannot say you love the Lord and hate the Truth. You are deceived. You cannot say you love the Light and cover your sin with denial and rationalization. You are deceived.

Once a person recognizes that he cannot please God through anything that he can do and that all his righteousness is as filthy rags, then he comes to realize that he cannot save himself. He needs a savior. I know that when I am confronted with the scripture rule today, I often realize that I cannot keep that rule. I need God to change my heart. There are others who would go and keep the rule in their own ability and deceive themselves into thinking that they were pleasing God. They would never acknowledge that they couldn't do the rule. Those who keep the rule in their ability are the self-righteous and proud. They don't see their need for a savior and they don't acknowledge that they need Jesus to change or heal their heart. When you see that you can't please God and you can't change your heart, and God is more concerned with the things in your heart, then you realize your need for God. The heart must change before your behavior will change genuinely. Changing your behavior will not change your heart. It will just allow you to be deceived into thinking your heart has changed. Only God can change your heart. He can show us the rule and bring our attention to our behavior but it is for the purpose of showing us something about our heart, so that we will call upon Him to change it. That is where we experience the God of the word. We realize that we were redeemed or purchased with His blood. We realize that Jesus bore our sins, our sorrows and griefs and our sickness and disease. Jesus bore our sins, the reason for them and the consequences of them. Many of our sins are caused by sorrow, wounds and hurts. Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted and heal the emotional wounds we have. When we allow Jesus to come into our lives to do this, we experience HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS. Our sin, which is just a symptom of a wound, is now gone because Jesus has healed our hearts. Jesus also bore our sickness and disease which is also a consequence of our sin and sorrow. That is why healing was so much a part of Jesus' ministry and He is the same yesterday, today and forever more. Even under the law, provision was made for supernatural healing.
I have truly experienced Jesus in my life as the one who bore my sorrows and griefs. Even in the little things, He reached into my life and showed me that He cared deeply about my hurt feelings and he manifested Himself in my life in such a way as to heal that wound. I remember last year around my birthday I was feeling depressed. No one in my family had remembered my birthday. Most of my family lives on the East coast and I was really hurting over it. I had been faithful in remembering their birthdays and sending presents and cards. I lived so far away from them and missed them so much, yet they didn't even seem to remember me or acknowledge any gifts I sent. I never even knew if the gifts arrived or not because they never said anything. I was really feeling lonely and forgotten. Then, one day in June, my pastor's wife sought me out after the church service. I was really down this particular day. She brought her six month old baby over to me to show me the outfit she had on. She reminded me that I had given the outfit to the baby when she was born and she wanted to acknowledge the gift that I gave and show me how cute the baby looked in it. I just felt the spirit of the Lord all over me as I just broke down and cried and He touched my wound and healed it. He knew how I felt. He cared how I felt. I had sent my one brother and his wife a baby gift when their baby was born and I never heard a thing from them and I ached because I live so far away and I never get to enjoy these things with my family. I never get to see the brand new family members or be there in the hard times as well. Jesus knew I was hurting over this and He showed me that He knew and understood. Out of that whole congregation, the pastor's wife sought me out to acknowledge the gift. She remembered who gave it to her after six months too. That really touched me and when she took the time to seek me out, that meant everything.

Jesus cares about the little things and the little hurts. He also cares about the big ones like those of abuse. I can tell you how He has manifested himself in emotional healing throughout all my abuse. He continually does this because I know Him and have been taught about Jesus as being one who bore our sorrows and grief. When He manifests Himself in my life to heal me, I experience HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS and my heart is changed. I can't do that myself. This is redemption. I could give you countless example after example in my life where He has done this. Come and experience the God of the word. Part of the redemptive work of the cross was the bearing of our sorrows and griefs. We need to preach more about this work of the cross because so many wounded people are wounding others. The sins of the forefathers are being visited upon the sons and we need to confess our sins and receive the healing power of the Lord Jesus in our lives and hearts in order to experience His righteousness.
Jesus is THE TRUTH and He gave Himself for us that He might sanctify and cleanse us with the washing of the water by the word. Where we are deceived and unable to see our sin or where we have false beliefs, concepts or reasoning regarding our Christianity or faith, Jesus, THE TRUTH, will expose these false beliefs that we have had from our beginning in order to wash and sanctify us. The word "principalities" in Eph. 6 means false beliefs from our beginning. We are fighting against these strongholds of false beliefs. Where we have false beliefs, satan will operate in our lives and churches. Jesus came to deliver us and set us free with THE TRUTH, so we must be meek and teachable in these last days as THE TRUTH exposes our false beliefs and washes and sanctifies us in the water of the word.

So how will Jesus sanctify us? He will expose our false beliefs with THE TRUTH of the word in our deception, thus washing us. Jesus said, "My people (Christians) perish for a lack of knowledge." It wasn't that the knowledge or truth wasn't given to Jesus' people, it was that they rejected it as not being from God because they had their own strongholds of false beliefs. For this reason, Jesus wept over Jerusalem and said, "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how I would have gathered you together under my wing as little chicks, but you would not have it. You have missed the hour of your visitation."

When we allow ourselves to be cleansed by the word and receive instruction or correction in our deception or false beliefs, then we mature as Christians and we are able to be led and controlled by the Holy Spirit. The more we know of God's will and how He thinks and operates, the more we will be in His will and be led by His spirit.

Jesus said that He came to give LIFE and to give it abundantly. This is something that is available to believers that is not available to unbelievers. The abundant LIFE that Jesus spoke of is the fruit and gifts of the spirit. They were given to stop the works of the enemy or to see us through the trials and tribulations of life. Only those who are dependent on the Lord, not on their outside circumstances, experience this LIFE. It is something that comes from the inside while everything going on the outside is falling down around you.

The Lord taught me something about Himself through my name. I had been ministering to so many people who had fallen away from God and church because they had been in legalistic churches. These people were very wounded and they didn't know what to believe anymore. I started to teach some of these people in my home so that they would see Jesus as He truly is and realize that the God they were being taught about wasn't the true God. The Lord brought these people to me and I was trying to restore them to relationship with Jesus and get them back into a good church body. On this one day I was feeling rather discouraged because it didn't seem like I was making much headway with these people. I like to throw seed in the ground and see a blade the next day. I felt about as useful to God as a flea on a dog's back and I was laying there in bed one night very discouraged. Then he Lord spoke my name. In the inside of me I kept hearing my name. It wasn't like He was calling me or anything. It was more like He was just matter of factly stating my name. Then, inside me I started wondering what my name meant. I went and looked up my name. It is the feminine form of John and in Hebrew it means "God is Gracious". It literally means: useful one, divine oracle, or God will supply that which is needed and He will literally put it in your hand for you to use. That blew me away. Here I was feeling like I wasn't doing much for the kingdom of God and I was discouraged to boot and God, from my conception knew me, formed me and called me: useful one, divine oracle or God's provision. I felt like Gideon standing there when he was such a coward and shaking in his boots and the Lord called Gideon a mighty man of valor. Boy, did I experience the awesomeness of God at that particular moment. I also learned that God will provide that which is needed in our lives and God's provisions for us are the fruit and gifts of the spirit and the people he has put in our lives. I have learned so much about Jesus as THE LIFE. When I need something, He is it and He will provide it. He will literally put it in my hand for me to use. We need to see and recognize God's provisions for us in our lives and put them to use in our situations and glorify Him for them. God is Gracious and He will provide that which is needed. Come and experience the God of the word.

I would like to end this with a prophecy the Lord gave me several weeks ago when I was extremely angry and hurting as a result of living in an abusive relationship. I had rage inside me and I felt condemned because I could not forgive and release my anger and be reconciled in this relationship. The abuser is in denial and defends his actions. This situation had been going on for years and I just felt like I could not endure anymore. My anger kept me from God and I felt like God would not hear me with all this anger and bitterness in my heart. Our pastor started preaching on crying out to God. I started to open up and do just that. Then the Lord broke through my pain and anger one day and surrounded me in His presence. He spoke to me this prophecy and I have delivered it to others as well, who have been in abusive relationships and were having trouble with their anger. This is what the Lord said:

My daughter, so many times you have poured out your heart to me and told me how you feel. So many times you have told me of your love for me and brought your petitions before me, but today, I desire to speak to your heart about how I feel about you. I desire to express my love toward you.

In the garden, when I looked into the cup the Father wanted me to drink, I saw my own reflection and face. I asked the Father to take the cup from me if it be His will. Then the Father showed me the cup again. This time, in that cup, the reflection or face I saw was yours. That was when I accepted the Father's will because we would rather die for you than live without you. I died your death, that you might live. I carried my blood into the Holy of Holies and it sits upon the mercy seat for you. My mercies are new every morning. Come unto me every morning saith the Lord. Come unto me at any hour saith the Lord and do not let anything keep you from me. You cannot do anything without me or apart from me saith the Lord. Do not let what is in your heart keep you from me. That has been in your heart many years and I have known about it saith the Lord, and it has never kept you from me or me from you before. You are now just aware of it and you now know where it comes from. I am revealing this truth in your life to heal you and set you free. Do not let this keep you from me. Come into the Holy of Holies and partake of the blood upon the mercy seat. There is power in the blood. There is life in the blood. There is cleansing in the blood. There is healing in the blood.

Cast your cares and burdens upon me saith the Lord for I care for you. I overcame the world because I knew you couldn't. Come unto me.

You mourn and grieve over your sin and what is in your heart. That is good. Some do not. Do not let the awareness of your sin keep you from me. Just confess it and receive the life that is in the blood and remember, there is none good but God.

I created the whole universe in all its splendor and I could inhabit or live anywhere I desire, yet I desire and chose to live in you. To be close to you and have you close to me. To know you and have you know me.

Come unto me and partake of the blood. For I died your death that you might live.

End of Prophecy.

What does this say about our value and worth to God. One thing that hit me real hard was "only God is good". When this was said, I realized that I was doing things to gain God's acceptance and I was struggling to "be good". When the Lord said "only God is good" I felt so set free. That is right. It put me in a position to receive His grace instead of striving to "be good". I didn't even realize I was doing that and that was in my heart or mind until that was said. It really had an impact on me and set me free to receive His grace. I can't be good. Only God is good.

The second thing that hit me real hard was how God desires to live in us. I never thought about God being able to dwell anywhere He wanted (and He does) but His greatest desire was to dwell in me and be close to me.

He died my death that I might live. What does that say about your value and worth?

If Jesus died for you, what would He withhold from you?